1001 Simple-Minded/Downright Stupid Player Types

[Azalin]

1001 Spoiled, Simple-Minded, and downright Stupid Player Types

by Azalin(and whomever else contributes to the thread)

Welcome, this thread will teach both DMs, and good players, how to identify, and classify, various simple-minded gamer types which seem to be prevalent nowadays, and subsequently rid yourselves of them. Feel free to add on as you wish, but the numbering, and overall direction of the thread should remain consistent.

To the angry, spoiled players(not the TRUE role players. If you are a good player disregard this message in particular totally. You may still peruse the thread and have some laughs, at the expense of the sorry gamers)If you try to interrupt the thread by talking slick, you will get banned!

1. The Whiney Gamer(a.k.a. The Big Baby):
You know the type extreme powermonger, always picking outrageous races(due to their powerful abilities), never satisfied unless the "entire game" revolves around his/her character alone, complaints about Level Adjustments, etcetera, etcetera.

2. The Goofy Grape(a.k.a. The Table Jester): This is the gaming table clown. He usually only comes to the game to tell bad jokes, usually because he is too stupid to really understand the streamlined ruleset of the D20 System. His character usually consistently makes dumb mistakes, and he never takes the advice of other players, or the DM, since he thinks doing so would show how stupid he really is(newsflash: They already know you are stupid).

3. The Mama's Boy(a.k.a. Baby Boy): This kind of player may never make it to sessions because he is too busy glueing himself to his mother's rear-end(remember the commercials about "The Mama's Boy" doll, with the grown man sitting in the shopping cart ?), or, he may make it to the session, but you will usually have to bear an hour or so of him complaining(talking trash) about his mother's new husband/boyfriend. This kind of player usually has no role playing skills since he cannot even cease--for the sake of the game--to act like the grown baby he is.

4. The Masked Crusader: This is a player who has either been kicked out, or left (once he saw the signs that the DM, or/and group, were getting tired of him), a gaming group due to fitting one, or more, of the descriptions outlined here(in the thread). This player, now claiming to be a DM, prowls the D&D gaming messageboards flaming any thread which casts light on "Simple-minded, spoiled players." The so-called logic behind these miserable clowns who do this escapes me, but it happens quite often on D&D messageboards(except this one of course, where people are banned for such nonsense); especially on the WoTC boards.

If ignored these people usually follow you from thread-to-thread with the same stale, bitter arguements.

5. The Feminazi Poster: This person who claims to currently be a D&D player is usually not what they claim to be. Instead this lonely women's rights fanatic has somehow come to the conclusion that by coming to various "D&D boards" spreading outdated feminist doctrine(s), that somehow this will revive the lagging, horribly biased, simple-minded arguements that these activists usually promote.

The fact that such things are brought to a "gaming messageboard" speaks volumes about said fanatic's intelligience. Again, usually this person is not REALLY a player(or rather not a good one), but since they cause strife within the gaming community, or seek to, I figured this "type" should be listed.

6. The Preacher: This kind of player usually tries to force their own ideas into "someone else's" campaign. For instance, I once had a player whom would sit online for numerous hours, plagiarize languages, and subsequently present various terms from these same languages as something he made up(i.e. He would take words, change what the word means, then say he made the word up). Insanity is common these days so that did not really bother me, whatever, do you(my gaming group and I just laughed at the poor guy). However, the problem came about when he tried to introduce these plagiarized/altered terms into "my campaign(s)."

Seriously, as an example, he would have "elven, common, and Draconic" on his character sheet, but then try to make-up a name from some stolen term(yet give the name his own homemade meaning), then insert it into my campaign!

Observe: Everyone knows that "Si" means "yes" in Spanish right ? Well, this guy would take "Si" and say it means "eighteen" then name his character "Si' Mars" and subsequently tell the group it means "The eighteenth man on Mars."

Problem 1: "Si" means "yes", not "eighteen." I could see if he really did invent the word, and the spanish-speaking peoples stole it from HIM, but that is not the case.

Problem 2: The Spanish language does not exist in my campaign, nor does his home-made, plagiarized language.

Problem 3: Campaigns, whether homemade or settings, already have set languages. Players cannot just come along with their own homemade languages(unless they find a way to create the language in-game), and subsequently force them into YOUR world!

Unfortunately preachers tend to want to spread their beliefs, no matter how insane. So if they have to use your ROLE PLAYING GAME to do it, they will.

7. The "Hardcore" Video Gamer(a.k.a. The X-Box'er, Video Zombie, Mr. PlayStation, Captain N--->"See pic below"):

Showing love for the "hardcore video gamers" out there!

The infamous "Captain N"(a.k.a. The first "hardcore" video gamer) himself speaking with Zelda:



I'll bet that since the DragonShard video game has dropped, ALOT of "hardcore video gamers" have suddenly taken an interest in Eberron. The same thing as what happened after these same video game fanatics played KoToR(Knights of the Old Republic). All of the sudden they(the "hardcore video gamers") were interested in the SWRPG. These kind of players do not stick with the game, they only like the role playing game , temporarily, due to the video games' release.

These players usually end up whining over certain aspects of the game which do not fit their video gaming mentality. Basically, short of having an X-Box/PlayStation/Nintendo/PC controller/keyboard in their hands they are not going to be satisfied. Why ? Simple, they are not looking for a "role playing" game, they are looking for a "video" game on paper.

[Azalin]

8. The "self-appointed" co-DM: This player always second guesses each and every ruling made by the DM. When presented with campaign guidelines this kind of player is quick to attempt to assert his/her version of what the rules should be, even though the majority of these co-DM ruling demands are always geared towards making his/her(the co-DM) character a demi-god.

The co-DM also continously makes OOC comments towards the DM, in response to in-game situations. These comments have nothing to do with discrepancies over the mechanics(or any type of valid Player-DM communication), but rather are complaints of the some sort which could(and should) have been solved in-character. There are even a few co-DMs that will attempt to tell the DM how to conduct encounters, world mechanics, etc. as opposed to the DMs own rulings, and those in the core rulebook.

Most co-DMs never last, unless the DM does not have the heart to do what is neccessary(i.e. Kick the co-DM out of the game).

Lastly, the majority of "co-DMs" seem to not be able to grasp the DM(running the game)/Player(participating in the gaming world the DM creates) dynamic, and also lack intellectual skills as opposed to vocal skills(translation: They have big mouths, but no brains).

9. The Gay/Lesbian rights activist/recruiter:

Every now and then I have come across threads like this, on D&D GAMING messageboards :

1. He kicked the gay guy out!

2. Are elves comfortable with being gay ? <---What rulebook says elves are gay ? I must have missed this one. Who did these jokers think they were fooling when they started this one ? ~Azalin

3. D&D is homophobic!

4. He turned my character gay with a gay spell!

Many of these threads were spotted during the days of the "Mature Boards" section of the WoTC gaming boards.

Each, and every, single one of them were nothing more than ways to get people to start talking about gay rights, being gay, etc(a.k.a. recruiting people to the cause by starting gay conversations on D&D boards :

On one thread, the "he turned my character gay with a gay spell"(no, that was not the exact name, but it was something stupid along those lines), the poster claimed he was playing D&D, an NPC wizard hit him with a "gay spell", made it permanent by casting another spell, and thus his character was gay, oh yeah....and he concluded, Man this really sucks.

For one thing there is no "gay spell", another is the guy was lying period, especially since he immediately jumped into gay rightsm, and gay players at the table. Stop lying, just say "I want to find a way to talk about my sex life to other D&D players. I want to reruit."

Just be real with yourself, and for Christ sakes don't come to a D&D board with such matters. The whole "D&D is homophobic" thing started off with some guy saying he sat at a table with a bunch of straight men, said he wanted to play a gay character, and they laughed him out of the gaming room.

Do I agree with them laughing at him ? Yes, who sits at a table and says "I want to play a heterosexual character ?" Noone. So why would you sit down and say "I want to play a gay character ?" Actually he said he wants to play a "gay, feminine, whispa-ova-thing", huis exact words. This is the nonsese WoTC tolerates for fear of being politically incorrect.

When I sit at a gaming table I usually say "I want to play a Paladin, or a NG male Ranger", I never once bring up his sex-life, therefore I conclude that people that come to a table like this, are trying to lead the game down that route, kick'em out quick, or better yet DON'T ADMIT THEM.

To those guys at the GenCon who laughed

[Azalin]

10. The Freeloader(a.k.a. The Loser): You know the kind, always at a group with something to say about how the game should be, but also the only one at the gaming table that does not own one D&D book.

The freeloader usually spends alot of time living with his/her parents(rent-free), and thus expects everyone to extend the same luxury that his/her parents extend to him/her all the time. Lord forbid this guy/girl have to actually purchase a PHB to support his/her hobby. The world would come to an end.

The freeloader has a pocketful of promises about buying books, but never will. Why ? Because YOU have books of course! He/she can just use and abuse your books, and then afterwards complain about how the books need more of this or that. This player also thinks the DM is there to do anything he/she wants, with no type of compensation for the DM(No money, food, showing up on time, or anything). He is basically what I have named him, a Freeloader.

The best thing to do with this guy is stop letting him use your stuff, if he starts to change into The Whiney Gamer(see above), can him completely.

[Azalin]

11. The Historian(a.k.a. Herodotus): This joker is always comparing the D&D world(s) with actual History, as in everything must go the same way it did in ACTUAL history. Newsflash moron, The D&D world is pseudo-historical, dragons and such did not actually exist, nor did half-orcs, so there is only so much comparing you can do when it comes to actual history, and the timelines of the various D&D worlds.

For instance, some clown was in an online game argueing with a girl because in REAL history women could not be adventurers, at least that is what he said. Whether it is accurate or not is not the point. The point is in D&D women can, and are, usually equal to their male counterparts. Characters are judged by their skill level/ talents, not their sex. Another arguement stemmed when yet another "historian" claimed that "papers could not be in hotel rooms in D&D because in the real world that did not happen until USA Today did it."<--Note that this D&D world was Eberron, which does have papers circulating. So why couldn't the proprietors of the inns place papers in the room of an expensive suite ? Because in the REAL world it took awhile ? Well, in the real world people don't use spells to fly airships, and warforged don't exist. If you can accept those MAJOR changes, you can most certainly accept something as small as a newspaper in an inn room.

[Azalin]

12. The Alternative Gamer(a.k.a. The alternate system-monger): We have all ran into this one sometime or another. Whether on the messenger, at our gaming tables, on the messageboards, or whereever else you can think of. Everyone has met the alternative gamer.

You know the guy that is always saying that system X is waaay better than the D&D system, but continues to spend X amount of hourse hanging around D&D players, and the D&D message boards ? These guys come in all different forms, such as fans whom are fanatically devoted to one setting in particular, and thus have convinced themselves that this one setting is somehow not connected to the D&D system as a whole, thus they attempt to downtalk D&D

Even better is the variant hounds that will jump on anything that is a variant from the original. Such as players that claimed Unearthed Arcana was such a gift, yes I own it, was it so much better than other D&D books ? No. Was it helpful ? Yes. Which is why I bought it. Also, the very same thing happens when promoters of other systems weasel onto the messageboards to promote their systems under the guise of "making D&D better."

Want I find so funny is the fact that they claim X system is better than D&D, but hang on D&D boards more than I do. Losers, get a life, and remember, don't let these goons into your games. They will just complain about the classes, or the alignments, or the races, or the LA system, or[FILL IN THE BLANKS WITH ABOUT 30 MORE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT THE D&D SYSTEM, EVEN THOUGH YOU STILL PLAY D&D, AND YOU WILL GET MY POINT]...........

Shut the up, and go play another system. Stop beating us in the head!

[Azalin]

13. The Modern moron(a.k.a. The "Buffy/Angel/D20 Modern/Any other generic, busted, modern RP title you can think of" Role Playing Game Fanatic): This may be one of the worse, simply because this person really does not like D&D unless he/she can make it as modern as possible, which takes away from what D&D really is. This would not be a problem if the moron would just leave the D&D game, go pick up BURPS(whatever they call it), or some other whack title, and leave D&D to the true fans.

No, these fools feel as if they have to change the D&D world into another lackluster, generic title(such as D20 Modern, GURPS, or whatever.

An example of this can be seen in many RL players, for some reason a good portion of RL players, that I have met on the WoTC messageboards, like to savage the campaign setting beyond repair. Doing insane things such as ripping down the foundation of the setting, which is D&D, and subsequently add things which would make it more of a table-top version of that crappy Angel TV show rather than what RL really is, D&D.

The Kargatan site, which shut down sometime ago, had a campaign log by a DM known as Stuart Turner. Boy, is it a sleeper, the campaign is horrible! I messed around and printed it out without reading it, and ended up using it for scrap paper in a real RavenLoft campaign.

If a modern fanatic comes to your table, be prepared for steampunk buzzed haircuts, meets Yu-Gi-Oh meets Full Metal Alchemist, meets Angel, meets Ghost in the Shell. Basically prepare yourself for a campaign that would appeal to a 7 year old's mentality.

[CollegePlayer]

Azalin said:

11. The Historian(a.k.a. Herodotus): This joker is always comparing the D&D world(s) with actual History, as in everything must go the same way it did in ACTUAL history. Newsflash moron, The D&D world is pseudo-historical, dragons and such did not actually exist, nor did half-orcs, so there is only so much comparing you can do when it comes to actual history, and the timelines of the various D&D worlds.

For instance, some clown was in an online game argueing with a girl because in REAL history women could not be adventurers, at least that is what he said. Whether it is accurate or not is not the point. The point is in D&D women can, and are, usually equal to their male counterparts. Characters are judged by their skill level/ talents, not their sex. Another arguement stemmed when yet another "historian" claimed that "papers could not be in hotel rooms in D&D because in the real world that did not happen until USA Today did it."<--Note that this D&D world was Eberron, which does have papers circulating. So why couldn't the proprietors of the inns place papers in the room of an expensive suite ? Because in the REAL world it took awhile ? Well, in the real world people don't use spells to fly airships, and warforged don't exist. If you can accept those MAJOR changes, you can most certainly accept something as small as a newspaper in an inn room.

lol!

This guy and the "modern" one sound somewhat alike. I don't know what has happened to some people's imaginations these days, they get stuck on Anime(Which I think looks ridiculous with those huge eyes, and dumb facial expressions!), and video games. Then they want to bring the b.s. to the gaming table and expect everyone else to like it.

Oh yeah, Ravenloft sucks, I never liked it.

I know a few of those players that fit the bill are peeping the thread, and hating. But don't stop, keep those haters fuming! Anyway here is my contribution!

14.The "I've Fallen and I can't get up" Player: Yes! This is the player that ALWAYS needs the DM to help them with something, or to tell the truth, play their character for them. This player never reads the PHB, even if they have one, never listens when valuable information on gaming is being spoken. But instead expects the DUNGEONMASTER to do everything for them! The statement if a PC dies it is the DMS fault most certainly contributes to creating this kind of player.

CP

[Azalin]

15. The WoTC test-tube baby(a.k.a. The WoTC spokesperson: "That's what 3E is about, options. I should be able to do whatever I want. It is in a D&D book, so if it is in a book you should be able to make it fit your campaign."

Ah yes, the mantra of the WoTC test-tube baby. If it is in a D&D book, I should be able to use it. What do I say to that ? See ya Jr. Don't let the door smack you in the .

The test-tube baby relies on WoTC products to support his rants, and whining for ultimately broken, simple-minded character creations. The test-tube baby lies waiting for the next WoTC product released with a winged race, or such, so that he can spring it on the DM, and use the "3E is about options" excuse to support his ridiculous character idea.

The test-tube baby needs more supplements, like a smoker needs a cigarette. He gains enjoyment from creating ridiculous video game-like characters and will continue to do so if you let him. The test-tube baby does not understand that the DM is running the game, not WoTC, so no matter how many supplements they release, the DM does not have to allow them.

In short, get rid of a test-tube baby before he is playing a half-dragon, with vampiric abilities, a +5 magical weapon, and a ring of regeneration at 1st-level. Watch out now!

[Azalin]

16. The manipulative player: I have to give this kind of player some credit for manipulating, weak-minded, pushover DMs. This guy will literally have the DM throwing out official D&D rulings because he does not like them(i.e. Due to the fact that they stifle his munchkin-ism).

For instance, I see some DMs that will complain profusely about the 3E system, not because something is inherently wrong with this system, but because their players complain about it(due to the limitations some of the rules place on their powergaming!)!

So instead of telling the player to stop whining all the time and to off. They bend, throw out rulings for these brats, and ultimately screw up the game so their munchkin players will like them. You see it all the time, cleric classes that use psionics, elves that are 6'2, dwarves that are 6'2, re-designed and broken magical weapons.

These weak-minded morons allow it all! Instead of telling the player that does not want to play D&D by the D&D ruleset to beat it. One thing negative that 3E has brought about is the weak-minded, beat-down DM. A good deal of DMs have no backbone. To the DMs that run firm, consistent D&D campaigns utilizing the D&D ruleset with maybe a few houserules(which compliment the ruleset, not overrule it) thrown in.....Kudos!

Keep up the goodwork and don't wuss out like alot of other DMs have. This is D&D, not alternative-land.

Az

[Azalin]

17. The WoTC messageboard advocate:This player hangs on the official D&D message boards venting about his bill of player's rights. Usually you will find him/her in threads entitled "Is it the DMs world alone ?!!!", "Down with DMs, up with Player's!" Or something stupid along those lines.

What they hope to accomplish by starting threads that are so retarded I don't know but for the most part I think they believe they are spreading a message, which is: The majority of players that act like us(i.e. The WoTC messageboard advocates) are idiots.

~Az

[Azalin]

18. The Adversarial Player(a.k.a. Mr./Mrs. Why Can't I kill the DM ?): Yep, I know you have seen them--or perhaps even DMed for one. This player does is a metagamer to his/her heart being that their main intent is to "defeat the DM", rather than enjoy the adventure and overcome the adventure.

This player sees the DM as someone sitting next to them holding a controller and always talks to the DM out of character, does things assuming he is attacking the DM/defeating the DM. He does not understand that this is not XBOX live, and that the DM does not exist as an actual person in the campaign.

This player's character is always extremely bland due to the fact that he is not concerned with creating an excellent character and taking part in amazing adventures; he wants to beat the DM himself. Of course this is not the meaning of the game--and is impossible--but somehow this player has enough screws loose as to think he is "role playing" correctly. One only has to look as far as the simple-minded "adversarial" players that lurk on the WoTC boards to see stupidity in action.

Az

[Azalin]

19. The Gender Bender(a.k.a. The transvestite gamer) by Luminosity :



Be it boy or girl, this player must play a character of a different biological sex than him-or-herself. This could be good, but the Gender Bender keeps that from happening because s/he has no idea what the other gender is like or wants to project his/her stereotypes or fantasies onto the character. The male player/drow-lesbian character is a common thread.

~Az